Words Matter

Words Matter: What Not to Say to Someone Struggling with Mental Illness
When a friend, family member, or young person is struggling with mental illness, it is natural to want to help. However, even well-intentioned words can sometimes cause unintentional harm, leading to feelings of isolation, shame, or frustration. Understanding what not to say—and what to offer instead—can create a safer, more supportive environment for recovery. Phrases to Avoid
 

1. "Snap out of it,” “Pull Yourself Together,” Shake It Off,” or "Buck Up."

• Why it hurts: Mental illness is not a choice or a temporary bad mood. Telling someone to simply change their mindset minimizes the neurological and chemical realities of conditions like depression and anxiety.
• What to say instead: "I can see you're going through a really tough time right now. I’m here for you."

 

2. "Other people have it much worse," “It’s not as bad as you think,” “At least you don’t have . . . ,” “You have nothing to complain about.”

• Why it hurts: Comparing struggles creates a competition in suffering. It invalidates the individual's current pain and can make them feel guilty for feeling bad, which often worsens their symptoms.
• What to say instead: "Your feelings are completely valid. It’s okay to not be okay."

 

3. "It’s all in your head," “Maybe you’re imagining it,” “You’re overthinking it.”

• Why it hurts: While mental illness affects the brain, it is a legitimate health condition with real physical and emotional consequences. Dismissing it as an imaginary problem isolates the person struggling.
• What to say instead: "I don't completely understand what you're experiencing, but I want to support you. How can I help?"

 

4. "Have you tried just going for a walk or drinking tea?" “Some fresh air will help,” “Take a warm bath and it will all be better in the morning.”

• Why it hurts: Offering unsolicited, simplistic wellness advice assumes the person hasn't tried to feel better. While healthy habits are beneficial, they are not replacements for professional guidance and targeted coping strategies.
• What to say instead: "Would you rather I just listen, or would you like to brainstorm some things together?"

Moving Toward Actionable Support Beyond avoiding harmful phrases, the most effective support involves connecting individuals with evidence-based tools and specialized programs. For teenagers navigating these challenges, early prevention and education are critical.
One powerful resource is The Blues Program, an internationally acclaimed, evidence-based cognitive-behavioral prevention program designed for adolescents in grades 8–12 (ages 14–19) who are experiencing symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression. COBYS Family Services serves as the exclusive national trainer of trainers for The Blues Program. This small-group curriculum consists of six weekly one-hour sessions. Rather than offering empty platitudes, parents, educators, and peers can encourage teens to participate in programs like this, where they learn to:

• Identify and challenge negative thoughts and counterproductive thinking patterns.
• Build emotional resilience and active coping mechanisms for daily stressors.
• Engage in pleasant activities that naturally elevate mood and reduce anxiety.

 
By replacing toxic positivity with active listening and connecting individuals to structured support systems like those offered by COBYS Family Services, we can help chip away at the stigma surrounding mental illness and provide real, lasting help.   For more information, please see https://www.bluesprogram.org.